Are friends chosen or do friendships just happen as a result of circumstances? Maybe both. There are countless online articles on friendship outlining the elements of friendship, correct ways to choose friends, essential traits of good friends and the list goes on. But what about nurturing friendships?
I believe that for the most part friendships are formed as a result of the circumstances of your life – neighbors with whom you grew up, classmates with whom you spent the greater part of the day, colleagues with whom you spend the entire workday, the patient with whom you shared a hospital cubicle or even the passenger in the seat next to you on an eight-hour flight. Some of the friendships you build along life’s way may become lasting friendships that stand the test of time while others are only for the specific season in which they existed and fade away as circumstances change.
One cannot, however, rule out the fact that some friendships are deliberately pursued. For e.g. at school, some students intentionally fall over themselves to befriend the A student in the class, the prettiest girl, the cutest boy, the most popular student, the football star, etc. Likewise, in the workplace, some people purposefully pursue friendships with persons who hold senior positions and who can help them to move ahead. Some seek out persons who are esteemed socially, professionally, or for whatever reason. These types of opportunistic friendships cannot withstand any test. In fact, one person is considered the victim.
As soon as that person is no longer deemed to be useful the friendship ceases to be desirable and new pursuits are sought by the opportunist.
Friendship takes time; true friendship endures. It transcends distance, culture, social class, ethnicity, and race and should, without any doubt, be nurtured. Here are a few factors to be considered in nurturing friendship:
- Reciprocity – Friendship is a two-way relationship. This may not always be equal or balanced; that is, it is not always possible for your friend to be to you exactly what you are to him/her. Everyone has his/her own circle of friends with varying levels of closeness. However, when attitudes of loyalty, trustworthiness, and compassion are present on both sides, the friendship, regardless of balance, develops stability.
- Shared Interests– Friendships based on shared interests are usually comfortable and low-maintenance. There is nothing forced. The same interests which drew the parties together in the first instance will continue to keep them together notwithstanding distance and lapses in communication.
- Acceptance – Having someone in your life who understands and accepts you as you are is priceless. Friends ought to be tolerant towards each other, not judgmental of each other. They should be open to well-intentioned admonishment from each other as long as it is done in a spirit of kindness. This helps to cement the friendship.
- Strong Connection –There are no perfect people. Someone might be caring, loyal, and supportive towards one person and a total disappointment to another. It all depends on the connection. The same couple who got divorced might each remarry and become wonderful spouses to their new partners. A strong connection makes for steadfastness in a relationship.
- Honesty –Everybody has told a lie at some point in their lives; however, nobody likes to be lied to. One of the most serious accusations that fallen out friends or lovers hurl at each other is, “You lied to me!” Friendships should be built on honesty and trust. Where these qualities are absent, the friendship is on shaky ground; the converse is true.
- Frankness –The sustainability of a relationship should not be dependent on each party pleasing the other at all times. In fact, you would not be a good friend if you are so bent on pleasing that you would watch your friend going astray or heading for disaster and not try to bring him/her back on track regardless of how displeasing that might be. Likewise, the person who cannot recognize good advice based on sound friendship is no loss as a friend.
- Like mindedness – Friendships based on similar principles, morals, values, and faith tend to be most enduring. Like-minded friends are usually each other’s stability. In down times they pull each other up, they reassure each other of their worth, capability, and potential and they show that they believe in each other. It is an added benefit when they point each other toward God.
A word of caution, beware of opportunistic friends who are there to exploit persons because of their vulnerability – position, wealth, status, age, gender, etc. Also, when a fake friend shows you who he/she truly is, do not wait for confirmation; take heed! By the same token, when a true friend shows you how much he/she appreciates you, hang on to the relationship with all you’ve got!
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