You may be wondering where has the time gone since you took home your 7lb or 8lb bundle of joy from the hospital. All of a sudden, you’re dealing with makeup, wardrobe changes, and a list of potential boyfriends. Many mothers are treading the thin line between firmly dictating what life choices their daughters should make based on their own mistakes made during adolescence, or completely avoiding the important discussions necessary for a safe transition from childhood to adulthood. Although both sides may choose to ignore it, one thing is certain, your daughter needs you as a guide, confidant, and friend.

Think about this: Are you and your daughter close?

It is a relationship that is fraught with complications, to say the least, and one that I think that we as women need to spend some time exploring. For most millennials, their grandmothers and great-grandmothers grew up in a generation where a teenage girl was expected to learn how to manage the home at an early age. This included taking care of younger siblings, cooking for the entire family, cleaning, and eventually gaining enough independence to find a husband and create her own family. Conversations about life revolved around growing into this version of the “woman” you were expected to be.

Whilst women of all ages share the values instilled in them by their parents, times have changed significantly and there is a new kind of generation gap between mothers and their teenage daughters. Bridging this gap begins with an understanding that each mother-daughter relationship is unique, powerful, and maybe equally challenging. A step in the right direction involves spending quality time and effective communication.

It is easy to misread each other. For mothers, it may feel like you are intruding on your daughter’s personal life when it seems like she is always on her phone or hanging out with her classmates and friends. In the same way, your daughter may feel like you are too occupied with balancing work and home chores to deal with her trivial teenage issues. For mothers, there is an innate sense of responsibility to equip your daughter(s) with the right tools and knowledge to survive in this crazy world. Unfortunately, a few important topics tend to fall through the cracks:

  • Peer pressure – Children of all ages experience peer pressure however this can be magnified during the teenage years. Most times we think about drugs, sex, and criminal activities when discussing peer pressure. It is important to note that peer pressure is not all bad. Help your daughter to understand negative peer pressure, how to say “no” and mean it, how to walk away from compromising situations, and how to let go of unhealthy friendships. Use the same energy to encourage positive peer pressure when they become more involved in academic groups, sports teams, or voluntary community activities. Get to know your daughter’s friends and their respective parents as this will help you gain a better understanding of the extent of their influence.
  • Self Esteem – A positive self-image starts with you! The “ripple effect” of your own assertiveness and confidence will likely be mirrored in your daughter’s behavior. First, learn to appreciate yourself and verbalize that appreciation to your daughter. Help your daughter to identify her own strengths and unique characteristics. Never discourage her with your personal doubts. In this era of ‘selfies’ and Instagram stories, let her know that she is more than her social media status. Find fun ways to boost your teen’s confidence – plan a spa day, go to the salon, shop for outfits together, etc. – let her develop her individual style, support her interests and hobbies.
  • Puberty – The ongoing conversation on puberty should begin in your daughter’s pre-teens. During puberty, girls begin to get self-conscious and obsess over their bodies and imperfections. Your daughter needs tremendous support as she embarks on the phenomenal biological transformation from a girl to a woman. The first noticeable change is usually breast development. Having professional bra-fitting as the breasts grow can help your teen girl to become more comfortable with her changing body. Next, she may notice pubic hairs and a change in body odor and discharges. Be patient in addressing her concerns about hygiene and good vaginal health. Take time to introduce her to body care techniques such as hair removal. The culminating event of her first menstruation is a BIG DEAL. Preparation for puberty goes beyond the one-time demonstration of how to use a tampon. As difficult as this conversation may seem, it is one of the most important ones to be had. Sharing your own experience may be a great conversation starter. Remember, you do not need to tackle this alone – a wide variety of resources are available to you in the form of your OBGYN or family physician, books, the internet, and other women in your family. Encourage your daughter to ask questions and invite her to join you in exploring reliable sources for more information.
  • Love & Relationships – A task usually left to the mother because fathers tend to feel uneasy talking to their daughters about sensitive topics. Your daughter may be just as uncomfortable listening as you are nervous when it comes to having these conversations. We can discuss almost anything with our mom but when it comes to boyfriends, dating, and sex, we shy away. Truth be told, your pre-teen daughter has already formed her own conception about sex. Now ask yourself, “Would I rather my daughter learn these things from her peers or school teacher, or would I prefer to take this as an opportunity to nurture my relationship and communication with her?”There are different ways to approach having the “talk” with your daughter. My mother started by having me read the book “So You Are a Teenage Girl” by Jill Renich and writing a book report on what I had learned. This was then followed by a discussion. Bear in mind that my mother was a teacher, and this strategy worked for her but surely does not have to be your approach! As a mother you want your daughter to feel comfortable asking questions. It’s easy to shut them down during their early teenage years however by the time you’re ready to have the discussion it would be too late and they have already begun exploring their own lives. The goal is to take baby steps, avoid judgment, and build trust.

Your daughter needs you the most during her teenage years. Invest as much time and energy as possible into nurturing this beautiful bond which will eventually influence your daughter’s future relationship with her own children and family.

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