“My life is not without trials, but now I have everything I need to get through anything that comes my way.”
My ears were ringing, my breath was heavy, and my body was exhausted but I was not going to quit. I kept my music in my ears on full blast so I couldn’t hear how hard I was breathing. I know I was breathing hard because the people on the sidewalk ahead of me would turn around or move over before I reached them. I didn’t care what they thought. This was my time and I was not going to stop until I finished my run. I was running from my past and into a new future one step at a time and no one was going to stop me.
Most of my days began with a text message from some guy I hardly knew. I was addicted to the feeling of being wanted. It was never enough and I was always on the prowl for someone else to give me some measure of worth. The more I wanted the attention the more reckless I behaved. After years of this, I hoped someone would just kill me and put me out of my misery.
One particular morning I woke up and had no desire to reach for my phone. I didn’t care who texted me or what they said or what plans I could make for the weekend. I was different but I was still me. I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the floor thinking to myself, “What is going on with me?” Then I heard a whisper only a little louder than a thought and it said, “Go for a run.” So I put on my running shoes and went outside. It was a typical 100-degree day in Arizona but that wasn’t going to stop me.
As I ran I experienced clarity in my mind that I had not had before. While my feet were pounding the pavement and my body was quickly running out of energy I oddly enjoyed this time with myself. It was so strange and awesome and painful all at the same time. Images, thoughts, conversations, memories, and ideas came to me so easily and I began to process them in a new way. The biggest issue that so many of my other issues stemmed from was my childhood sexual abuse. I’m sure anyone could see that was why I was living a reckless life full of empty relationships but now, I finally was seeing it too.
Every night at 10 pm was my time to go run. It would usually dip just below 100 by then and I liked being out in the dark alone. I was free and unstoppable. Within a few months, I went from only being able to run down the block and back to running 6 miles without stopping. Every night I spent time with myself running through the moonlit desert. I was a lot stronger physically and mentally than I ever thought.
Soon I began turning down invites to go out and to meet new people. I finally felt at peace with being with myself and I didn’t choose those types of relationships anymore. I was no longer searching for some guy to give me what I needed. I knew God had told me to go run that day. How do I know? I just know. My time alone was actually time with Him and He is the One who gave me clarity, peace, and hope. I am so thankful I listened to that still small voice that day. That whisper saved my life.
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Amanda Zarate founded Fighting For Me after surviving years of sexual abuse at the hands of her dad and struggling to find her footing in life until a life-changing desire sent her on a journey to find courage, break free from fear, and blaze a trail for herself and others to conquer childhood sexual abuse.
Fighting For Me is available to every man, woman, and child who has been affected directly or indirectly by sexual abuse. Maybe you’re the parent of a child who was abused, or you used to babysit a child you found out was abused, or maybe your brother or sister was abused and you would like to know how to support them as you also heal from the pain of their abuse. As we recognize Domestic Violence Awareness Month, know that you have a voice and persons who are willing to advocate for you!
Visit https://fightingforme.org/ for more support.
