October 10^th marks World Mental Health Day. This year has been a rollercoaster for most individuals with the unfolding pandemic resulting in loss of jobs, financial stress, anxiety, grief from losing loved ones due to COVID-19, and the major challenge of adjusting to the “new normal” and virtual lifestyle. For persons living with mental health conditions, this period of social isolation and distancing has been an especially difficult time. Today Eleanor Ann shares her personal experience to help raise awareness that mental health is not a personal failure and it is never too late to seek help.

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I live with Bipolar disorder II. I have a family history of bipolar disorder, and I lost a cousin to suicide because of it, so it’s always been in the back of my mind. After I hit puberty, I knew my brain was different. I didn’t know how to articulate it, but I felt like I was wired differently from everyone. I suffered from depression for most of high school and did a lot of self-harm. At the time, I didn’t have the manic episodes I had read about, so I couldn’t be bipolar right? What I DID have was a nasty fiery temper, that could just flip and explode over tiny things.

As a teenager I would get into screaming matches with my parents, and whenever I’d get frustrated I’d hit myself in the head or pull on my hair. My mom often freaked out. She even purchased the book “Is My Teenager Ok? – An All-in-One Guide to the Emotional Problems of Today’s Teens” and even took me to a psychiatrist once. In my mind, my father had a temper and I just inherited it. At the time, I couldn’t distinguish how erratic my behavior was. My depression continued to manifest and worsen when I got to university. I would have spells of joy and then not be able to get out of bed the next week. When I started grad school, things spun out of control. My temper was back, my emotions were uncontrollable. I cried on my 21st birthday, cried at my graduation, cried at almost every “happy” occasion. Ask me why? No idea, but I was BAWLING!

My emotional responses were so out of proportion with the stimulus. One little joke could have me explosively angry, aggressive, and often violent. One wrong word could have me inconsolably in tears. I was still ragingly depressed, crying most mornings unable to get up. During this time, I had arguments with my friends, partner, and parents. I destroyed relationships, caused irreparable wounds, and then I got physically violent with someone I loved more than anything. That’s when I knew I was needed help and fast.

I started counseling at the UWI health center and visited a psychiatrist, who told me I was depressed and should get medication. This psychiatrist experience was the worst for me. I didn’t feel listened to, and I felt like I was being rushed into medication that I didn’t want. She was also super expensive. I never went back to her, and sporadically went to counseling after that, deciding that I’d just manage my depression on my own. At the beginning of 2017 after months of suicidal thoughts, I decided I was done with the foolishness.

I started regular counseling sessions with Dr Michelle Lewin at Oxford Medical Centre. The more we spoke, the more I came to accept that I would probably need to be medicated. Dr Lewin was so gentle with me, and I never felt pressured. After 6 months of counseling, she gently asked me if I would like her to recommend me to a psychiatrist so I could explore my options. I started seeing Dr Rachel Chung (also at Oxford Medical) and believe me, this woman was a God-sent. We worked through my family history and my symptoms, and she explained to me how my erratic behavior and temper were more likely symptoms of emotional dysregulation. “I suspect you might be bipolar II”. I was finally convinced to try medication. My science brain won.

We first tried an antidepressant as monotherapy because we were still unsure about the diagnosis. If the antidepressant worked, maybe we wouldn’t have to try the mood stabilizers (which can have rough side effects). I started on fluoxetine (Prozac) and it was awful. I lost so much weight, couldn’t sleep, didn’t feel any better and my suicidal ideation went through the roof. I stuck out the initial 4 weeks and then I couldn’t do it anymore. We then switched to a mood stabilizer – lamotrigine. Was this my breakthrough? It was only when I started the lamotrigine that I realized how much of my behavior was symptoms of my disease. I realized how erratic and emotional I was.

Bipolar II is the depression-heavy form of the disease, so we added an antidepressant Sertraline (brand name Zoloft) to manage the depressive symptoms I still had. I don’t know how to explain it but I’ve never felt so balanced. Stable. Zen. Almost 2 years later and my regimen is the same: therapy, medication, meditation, and a sleep schedule. Bipolar disorder is a physiological illness, needing physiological treatment. Just like if you had diabetes, you’d take insulin, or beta-blockers if you’re hypertensive.

Now I was only able to do this because I had a parent who able to assist me with initial expenses. The psychiatrist visits, therapy sessions, and medications were super expensive – also I did not have insurance. I was fortunate enough to have these costs reduced through the National Health Fund program.

Living with bipolar II disorder has been a challenge but I am proud of my progress thus far. The goal is to wean off the antidepressants (but we’ll see). I’ve accepted that I will probably always be on a mood stabilizer but honestly, the peace of mind is 100% worth it. I know that will bring challenges if/when I’m ready to have a baby, but one journey at a time. What I have realized recently is how much my actions have impacted my relationships. I believe I have strained my parents’ marriage beyond belief. I recognize that my friends and partners have been hurt by my actions. All I want to do now is to make amends.

I’m happy that I’m now able to reflect in this way. I’m blessed that this disease hasn’t taken my life, my livelihood, or any opportunity from me. The truth is that many people do not understand this and many other mental health illnesses. I hope that sharing my story will encourage more people to become aware of the challenges faced by persons living with a mental health illness and to seek help if they are experiencing similar symptoms. I hope that someday we can all have equal access to mental health care.

You can visit the WHO website or your local mental health organizations to learn more about how you can become more involved. Remember that our work is not done and we need mental health awareness now more than ever before.

About the Author
Eleanor Ann is a Ph.D. candidate in Molecular Biology. A science lover and nerd at heart, she enjoys exploring popular science topics and news, in the Jamaican, Caribbean, and global contexts. An advocate for mental health awareness, Eleanor continues to share her story with hopes that it will help others and reduce the social stigma surrounding mental health.