Words have power, sometimes destructive power, but none of this power is inherent. Let’s restate this as “words have the power we give them.” For generations, certain words have been used against us. Words like selfish, bossy, loud, dramatic, cold, and complacent have been given the power to shape entire personalities and decide whole futures, a power they have never been worthy of.
Selfish
I wish I could remember the childhood movie from which I heard the statement “often when someone asks us not to be selfish, it is because they are about to be selfish themselves” (forgive me if I misquoted that, I haven’t been a child in a while). That statement spoke volumes to me. The term selfish should be used when someone chooses to place their own needs above that of the greater good, but more often than not, it’s used when someone is being manipulated into placing someone else’s best interest above their own. Our energy, finances, mental capacity, and creativity are all finite resources that we must budget and allocate according to our priorities. When asked to abandon your own goals, dreams, priorities, and freedoms in service to others’, “selfishness” is the appropriate response, but the inappropriate term.
Bossy
Women have been trained and groomed to make entire dissertations of single words for their entire lives. Instead of “no,” we would rather say “I’m so sorry, but due to …” A woman who concisely states what it is and what it needs to be is therefore labeled as bossy. We simply cannot handle unapologetic, unwavering women in their beliefs, needs, or desires. If such traits are identified in a young girl they are shamed and ridiculed until she is “broken,” until she too is writing dissertations and apologizing for her thoughts, or she risks being labeled as bossy. Even more unfortunate, is that this labeling is often done by other young women who have been previously marked with the scarlet letter B themselves. Here are a few words you may use to refer to strong-willed, confident, decisive, assertive and self-assured little girls instead… See what I did there? 😉
Loud
“A young woman should be seen but not heard.” You’ve heard it. Often in response to boisterous laughter or passionate conversation. But why? What is truly the consequence of enjoying life too much or truly having something to say, especially when young men are not policed in quite the same way? Loud young women are the ones who retain their voices, the ones who remember in years to come that what they have to say is still as important as anyone else. More often than not, these are the women who end up shaping and changing the world. Think of Malala and Greta… definitely seen, definitely heard, definitely loud!
Cold
‘The fairer sex,’ we’re called, and very seldom in a positive light. Our fairness is often used to point to the softer, more emotional, more empathetic side of women, and those traits, rather than being seen as the positives they are, are used to question our decision making, our logic, our leadership, and our intellect. Women who reject these limitations, and therefore mask this softness in certain settings to give them greater leverage on the uneven playing fields that are life and career, are cast aside as cold. This is a unique lose-lose situation facing women and only women. If we lean into our femininity we are blocked from the boy’s club of success, and if we reject it, we are mocked by the same club. In such cases, where neither opinion will satisfy the peanut gallery, we must be strong in our stance and decision to ignore them altogether. Wear your bright pink lipstick and tutu or a pantsuit and crew cut to work if you wish, but only according to your own wishes.
Complacent
Many of our grandmothers were privileged to grow up in the world where the expectations placed upon them were to be “good women” in order to be found by “good men.” (Yes, I understand that many of these women were oppressed by their dependence on these “good” men, but hear me out…) Today we are Doctors and Lawyers, Teachers, Accountants, Researchers and we are grateful for the opportunities and for the women who came before us making our presence in certain rooms and at certain tables possible. However, not every woman has that burn within her to change the world. Many of us would much rather make the world safe, welcoming, and comfortable for our own “good men” and the children we bring forth with them, and many others would rather forego the idea of having children altogether. What makes these women any less womanly than those of us who “want it all.” In a world in which the term feminism has been defined as women taking over the world, I’d like to propose a different definition. Women existing in the world as they see fit.
So, the next time you are called or fix your own mouth to call a young girl one of the above terms, or any of the many others not mentioned here… remember that words have power.