The truth is abandonment hurts, and like a deep wound, healing does not happen overnight. Pain like that changes you. It makes you trust less, overthink more, and shut people out. Fear of abandonment is a complex fear that stems from a variety of experiences that can lead to destructive relationship patterns. Ironically, it is not the fear of abandonment that ruins relationships, it’s how you handle it. Denise L. Defoe, LMSW (Author of They Chose Me: An Adoption Story) shares her experience with abandonment as well as words of wisdom for women trying to find their life’s purpose whilst turning hurt into healing and overcoming trust issues from past trauma.
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As an adoptee, for years I couldn’t fathom why my biological mother would carry me to term and choose not to keep me. I couldn’t understand why no one in her circle asked a question, tried to change her mind, or convince her to keep me. It haunted me for years, what that day looked like or felt like for me as a baby having a connection forged over 9 months severed in an instant.
I carried that anguish of abandonment with me for years. I would carry it out in my behavior and interpersonal relationships. I would avoid connecting with people in case of the off chance that they may leave me and I re-live those feelings of being discarded- just as my biological mother had done to me. I would rehearse in my mind that I had to prove to people that I was enough and worthy to be around, even though I did not really feel that way. I feared getting too close to people because I did not want to feel rejected.
Many people who have experienced the loss of a relationship- whether it was a friend who turned their back on you, a spouse or significant other who decided to leave the relationship, loss due to traumatic death, or in my case, being an adoptee, may experience the fear of abandonment. This fear can impact all areas of your life and can negatively affect intimate, social, or professional relationships.
Once you recognize and acknowledge your fear of abandonment, there are some things you can do to begin healing.
- Be mindful of your expectations in relationships.
- Remind yourself of the many great qualities that you possess that make you a wonderful partner and friend.
- Teach yourself to trust again. This may require the assistance of professional help but investing in it is worth it. You are worth it.
- Discover an outlet to discuss your fears and anxieties in a safe judgment-free environment.
It took time for me. Through therapy, journaling, prayer, and a supportive network, I was able to trust again. I was able to discover my value and uncover my worth. My prayer is that you won’t let the hurts of the past overcome you, but that you will discover new ways to overcome them and start living in a way that doesn’t rely on others for self-worth.
Denise L. Defoe obtained her Bachelors of Social Work degree from Oakwood University in 2003. After college, Denise matriculated at the University of Alabama under the prestigious, full-ride, Daniel Scholarship and earned her Masters Degree in Social Work in 2004. Now a licensed Social Worker providing psychosocial support to medically fragile individuals and their families, she uses the skills she learned to empower her patients to live a fulfilling life while creating lasting memories.
Her crowning achievement to date has been the completion and release of her autobiography They Chose Me: An Adoption Story released in June 2019. This book chronicles her journey as an adoptee. The readers are taken on a decades-long odyssey filled with a variety of emotions stemming from her sense of abandonment. From grief, anger, and resentment, Denise was able come to a place of acceptance, forgiveness, and peace. Her greatest personal joy and fulfillment come from her life as a wife and mother.
She is now able to speak about this journey and serve as a consultant and advocate for adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Sharing her story has empowered others to stand strong within their own story.
