If I were to have a conversation with my younger self, to discuss the current events of my life; I can assure you that the sub-topics would not include “techniques used to manage a strong-willed child”. Me, as a mother? Far less one with a child who simply rides the acoustic waves of his/her beats? Not me! Well little did I know what the future held in store for me.
My daughter Nevaeh Marie Smith is the definition of a strong-willed child. Some may say that she is simply a free-spirited little human and others may praise her for charting her own path. But as her mother, I must confess that it took me a while to allow her to live in her uniqueness and for me to simply be there to guide. The truth is that my outlook on parenthood, before actually becoming a parent, never included children who stood in their own authenticity.
I truly believed that parenting was somewhat of a dictatorship and that children contoured to rules and regulations – a stringent outline for upbringing. Needless to say, I was so wrong! From the moment my daughter could verbally express herself, I quickly realized that this was going to be an interesting ride. I was about to dive into the unknown, the unimaginable because I prepared for everything else but a strong-willed child.
Honestly, I did what I always do in similar situations, I went into a research mode and quickly found that my husband and I weren’t the only parents blessed with a strong-willed child. I came across books like “Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child” by Robert J Mackenzie, Ed.D. and “Your Strong-Willed Child” by Jordan Waldrop. My research taught me two things:
1- My child didn’t fit the typical definition of a strong-willed child.
2- I needed to create my own techniques and guidelines for her.
My approach is grounded in navigation. I believe that to prevent or control power struggles I needed to have a set of parental navigation techniques that I should always adhere to. This would assist in a better transition for both parent(s) and child. These are the five approaches that have assisted me in guiding my strong-willed child:
1. Transforming correctional responses into instructional responses
My reaction to her behavior should not always be correctional. In situations that warrant correction, this should guide her by giving clear instructions and reasoning explaining why she should have behaved or reacted differently. This process should outline step-by-step instructions which would help her in achieving a different behavior in the future.
2. Implement Routines and Rules
With regards to approach # 1 – correctional instructions had to be outlined and implemented in the form of routines and rules. I created colorful charts that gave specific instructions on room organization, ‘before school’, or bedtime routines. That way my daughter was reminded that there were rules that should be incorporated into her daily routine. Following these rules meant that she was able to receive a reward on completion of such. This brings me to approach # 3.
3. Give your strong-willed child options.
Children lose interest quickly and have a very short attention span. Creativity is key in switching up the way rules are set for your children. Strong-willed children initiate power struggles if they believe that your rules are the “my way or the highway” type. Giving Nevaeh different ways to do complete the same task helped. For example, when getting ready for school we can have breakfast before baths, or the other way around. Parents, you need to switch things up sometimes and watch your child not only obey but master routines and rules.
4. Reward/Praise good and acceptable behavior before scolding poor behavior.
Whenever my husband and I are faced with a challenging situation with our daughter, we always take a moment to reflect and review. We then have what we refer to as a “Smith Family Meeting” where we praise our daughter for something that she may have achieved throughout the day before pointing out her misbehavior. The previous praise always creates a soft cushioning for the discussion that follows. Children are more receptive to correction when you acknowledge their good behavior first.
5. Take time to know your child.
There isn’t any set outline or rules to parenting because no two children are the same. Taking time to study the idiosyncrasies and personalities of your children will assist you in altering your parental approach. You just cannot parent one child as you would parent another. Take time to know your children individually and build their trust in your relationship.
I must confess that as a behavioral therapist no training prepared me for parenthood and the harsh reality is that no training ever could. By no means do I consider myself an expert in this field. However what I can say is that parenting is a journey with many moments of discovery, experimenting, analysis, and learning. Don’t be hard on yourself. Enjoy the journey, and laugh at mishaps and valleys, for in doing so will we be able to enjoy the view on the mountains of parental victories.
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