We have all collectively gone through some unprecedented experiences recently. Hardly any of us could have guessed that we would be living through a pandemic and the impact it would have had on all our lives. Along with us our children have been going through the very same experience and often with far less clarity around the circumstances than we have.
In recent months, reports have indicated that there has been a troubling rise in the rates of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic symptoms identified among children in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic. The reports in the news and on social media have been met with concerns from parents and carers alike, about how the pandemic may have impacted their children and what they could do to reduce or prevent any negative outcomes. There are a few things that can be done. However, for today’s piece, we will explore one of the simplest, yet most effective steps we can take. This is the practice of intentionally cultivating a healthy connection with our children.
Cultivating Connection
Outside of feeding our children and keeping them alive, the connection we establish with them is the most important part of parenting. It essentially paves a path for every other parenting task. The benefits of connecting with our children are endless and include creating resiliency and overall improved emotional wellbeing of our children.
Every interaction we have with our kids provides an opportunity to connect with them. And this includes even those times when they display less than favorable behavior. What is important is that we ensure that we make the best use of every interaction by intentionally cultivating a healthy connection. Practicing connecting with our children ensures we have an established foundation that will help in experiences of emotional crisis. I think of it as reinforcing a plastic carrier bag with a canvas bag on the outside. The plastic carrier bag may become weak and susceptible to tearing if you place several heavy items in it. However, because it has been reinforced by the stronger canvas bag, the chances of the plastic bag tearing open and the contents falling out and being damaged is significantly reduced. This is because the canvas bag helps to make the plastic bag far more resilient. Similarly, if we pour into our children and build connection, that connection serves as the canvas bag to create a more resilient child. Research shows us that being connected to or having a secure attachment or connection with our children is one of the most important actions a parent can take. A connection with you provides a secure base and a secure base for many reasons creates a more emotionally resilient child. This does not eliminate emotional distress in your child. What it does, is give them an advantage when it comes to bouncing back from emotional distress.
So How Can I Stay Connected with My Child?
Quality Time
It is simple, but one of the most important ways to build and improve connection. Spend at least 10 -15 minutes of meaningful, uninterrupted special time with your child each day. Focus your undivided attention on one child at a time. Have them choose (within reason) whatever activity you will participate in during this time. Reduce all distractions like mobile devices and other children except in an emergency. This cannot be shared time.
Empathy and Mirroring
Practice empathetic understanding or mirroring – Show your child that you understand what they are feeling even when you are displeased with their actions – Ask yourself, “What might he or she be thinking, seeing, or feeling right now?” It is likely that they are not experiencing an event the same way you are. Be patient, listen carefully, watch, and follow their cues. Let your child always have the experience of feeling seen, heard, understood, and valued when they communicate with you. Even when they do so in a less than favorable way.
Affection
Shower your child with affection in the form of eye contact, smiles, warmth, and safe physical touch. Use kind words, dance together, tell them jokes and laugh with them about their jokes. This helps them to feel seen and heard, but affection also encourages brain development, especially in young children. Healthy brain development supports emotional resilience.
Teach Instead of Punishing
Discipline by teaching not punishing. The root word for discipline is ‘disciple’ someone who follows you. Someone you teach or train to follow a code of behavior. The aim of discipline should be learning not punishing. Every opportunity to discipline should be an opportunity to teach in a way that is calm and in a way that also connects with your child.
Be Predictable
Predictability often conjures feelings of boredom. But for a child, it can mean stability. Your children need you to be there for them. When they cry soothe them. When they yell find out what is causing them to yell. When they call answer. Always respond as soon as you can. Remember that you are their secure base. A place that provides them with the confidence to go out into the figurative and literal world, knowing that they can always return to a safe place. They must know that if they need you, you will be there. Contrary to popular belief, responding when your child needs you is not going to ‘spoil’ them. What it will do is build confidence, relationship, and a healthy attachment. Children respond far more positively to the person they are attached to.
Rituals and Routines
Create rituals and routines. They create consistency and structure. Consistency creates confidence and engenders trust which will also reduce anxiety in a child about separation and loss. Remember that your child needs you to be their safe place and consistency and structure will support this.
Self-Care
Take care of yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. Fill yourself up so that you have the very best of what matters most to pass it on to your child. In other words, take care of yourself so you can create a canvas bag for your plastic carrier bag. Self-care also ensures that you are able to self-regulate as an adult and be far better able to parent in a conscious way, understanding your parenting triggers, taking control of them, and parenting your children in a positive and gentle way.
Reflection
Take a moment now to decide how you will intentionally practice cultivating a deeper connection with your child today.
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